I had everything I wanted yet felt empty and confused. Although my life was full of relationships and accomplishments I’d worked hard to gain, none could fill or fulfill me.
I don’t even know why I’m thinking about this; it happened so long ago. But it keeps tugging at my heart to share it. Perhaps someone needs to know that with God, we can survive anything and that everything we experience in life is preparing us for something bigger than our pain…something that will make the pain worth it.
Whew…here goes. When I got dressed that night, I felt pretty. I was about 26/27, drug addicted and ready to go party. Drug addicts don’t really party, they just do drugs. But I absolutely loved to dance and was a great one if I say so myself. . I loved my outfit, especially my shoes (I’ve ALWAYS been obsessed with shoes) and couldn’t wait to go party. My girlfriend usually went with me but she’d been locked up for a week or so at the time.
The other day I was listening to a song while driving home. Up to that point, it had been a rather uneventful day. Suddenly out of nowhere, I was sobbing uncontrollably to the point that I really should have pulled over. But I kept on driving because I just wanted to get home.
Two or 3 years ago, I participated in an event that allowed misused, abused, drug/alcohol addicted and prostituted women to either go to jail or receive assistance to overcome their addictions, obstacles and pain during a sting initiated by our police department.. Many were angry that these were the only 2 options and many chose jail. And most of those who opted for the assistance were hesitant and wanting to know what we wanted in return.
A few weeks ago, I wanted to do something nice for a few friends. I spent a lot of time thinking through what to put in a care package for each of them. As I was loading the packages into the car to mail them, I was giddy. I couldn’t wait to celebrate my friends.
And all was well in my little celebration world … until I arrived at the post office.
We are living in a time that is like no other time in history. The economy is not at its best, this generation of children is disrespectful to their parents and anyone else who gets in their way or tries to “raise them”, and the bills outnumber the cash flow. People are turning to drugs, alcohol, sex…anything available in order to temporarily forget their problems. Some are even dabbling in witchcraft and psychics trying to find solutions.
1. She gets up each morning and follows through with her commitments despite how she feels.
Her feet are firmly positioned into the day’s tasks. While quitting may seem like an option she refuses to become someone others or God can’t count on. Her heart understands that she must be found faithful in the small steps to be trusted with the big steps.
I bought in to what I had been told…that I was an unworthy human being who didn’t deserve to live. No, those weren’t the exact words that were used, but that was my interpretation. So I tried to kill myself with abusive relationships, (friends and men) drugs, irrational behavior and whatever else I could do to condone the hurtful behavior and words thrown my way when I was a child. I was like a puppet on the strings of the tongues of all my abusers.
“And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19 (ESV)
I sunk into a heap on the floor in our little basement apartment.
“What am I supposed to do, God?” I cried aloud. “I’m so thankful for this baby, but I’m so sick with this pregnancy. And being so sick means I can’t work. How are we going to survive?”
I can’t remember why he hit me the first time. I do remember that on some level I thought that he must have really loved me because he cried and bought me a pretty ruby ring. Crazy huh? Well that was only the beginning.
I don’t know what you’re going through this week,
but I’m wondering if maybe you’re feeling a little beaten up by life?
Maybe you’ve gotten through a storm or two, yet as soon as you could dry off and breathe again, another one hits.
Deep disappointment, physical pain, broken relationships and
fractured hopes can take a toll on us, can’t they?
I don’t have all the answers, but I do know this:
You are NOT alone.
My cousin Deb and I both loved reading. On any given day, you could find us curled up with a cup of tea and a book, engaging in occasional conversation as we read.Whenever we had a disagreement which happened rarely, one of us would simply make a pot of tea for two and that’s how we’d make up….over a cup of tea. So, I’d like to share a daily cup of tea with you…pearls of wisdom, anecdotes, quotes what I’m experiencing on a given day, hope, encouragement etc. Hope you enjoy.
“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us.” Romans 8:31
When I tell people that my wife Nancy and I have been married 45 years, I almost always hear “Wow!” and “That’s great.” I appreciate those comments, but where we are today has been a journey. We didn’t have an awesome marriage for a very long time.
I am writing this with hopes that these words will encourage someone to get help and know that the cycle of abuse can be broken.
Here is a plan to follow when leaving an abusive relationship. As hard as it may seem to leave, it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your children. When we’re in the midst of abuse, we can’t even think straight, so enlist the help of someone you trust and begin your journey to a new life.
When you’re in the midst of your pain, in the midst of those bad memories, smack dab in the middle of those unpaid bills, just remember that choosing depression doesn’t diminish the pain, reliving what happened in the past doesn’t make today better, worrying doesn’t pay the bills and TROUBLE DON”T LAST ALWAYS!
God is the same YESTERDAY, TODAY and He will be the same TOMORROW, so why not depend on the ONE who never changes; the ONE who only wants the best for you and if He brings you to a problem, He will bring you through the problem. And you will be stronger, wiser and able to help someone else. He promised He wouldn’t put any more on you than what you can handle; He knows you better than you know yourself, so pull yourself up, drag yourself out of the bed, dry your eyes and let’s meet whatever challenges that come our way with both feet planted firmly in God’s word. Guard your mind so that your thoughts don’t take you to places God never intended for you. Our minds can wreak havok in our lives or be a refuge of peace, depending on what we feed it, and where we allow it to go. Guard it with your life so that you can have better days, more productive thoughts, reactions….Hold on to Hope!
“There was an accident and Starr didn’t make it”. In slower than slow motion my mind began to reel in and out of control from the impact of those words.
Sometimes I just want to shout, “I can’t DO THIS!”
Circumstances can get overwhelming.
Relationships can be frustrating.
And there are days when I just can’t figure out what to do.
On Friday, Nov 7th at 11 am I buried my daddy. It was also my son’s 40th birthday ( he was killed in a car accident 8 years ago). Two days later on Nov 9th was my daddy’s 81st birthday. To say that that it was one heck of a weekend is an understatement. But don’t feel sorry for me. I’m still standing with God’s help.
The irony is, I got stuck trying to write this column about getting unstuck. Then I looked at my five-point outline and realized I was engaging in habit #4: Perfectionism. The tape playing in my head yelled as I stared at the blank screen: “You can’t start typing words until you figure out exactly how to say what you want to say!” Then I remembered the mantra that gets me writing: You have permission to write badly. You can edit later.
One beautiful morning, I was having breakfast with my 5-year-old son, Finn. I noticed our waitress walking toward us and thought to myself, she needs to smile. She hardly said hello and hurriedly took our drink order.
We both noticed that her mouth was wired shut. My son asked me why her mouth looked that way, and I told him the few cosmetic reasons why someone would need their mouth wired. Then he looked at me with his big, cute eyes and told me to ask her why.
Should I be honest? I wondered.
What if I start crying? What if she doesn’t really have time to listen? What if she’s just asking to be nice?
I could keep it simple and say, “I’m fine.”
There I was, standing in the lobby at church waiting for my husband, when a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time walked up and asked how I was doing. Our 3-year-old had recently been diagnosed with Apraxia, a severe speech disorder, and I was not “fine.”
I was exhausted. I was overwhelmed. I was afraid.